- Mood: erk
- Music: the fans
It's kinda funny... honestly... I wonder if anyone ever reads this. Somedays it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and there is noone there to even talk with you while you carry the load. Sorry, but I've been a bit lonely the past couple of days. I've had lost of hard decisions to make, and well, very few people to confide in. The majority of my support circle just kinda dissapeared. When one finds out they've been used, and not to any purpose other than losing friends they were once close to, well... it doesn't do much for one's confidence nor sense of belonging. Sure, I have a few friends, but along the way I've lost a lot recently, and I don't mean the ability to leave this town. For once in my life I had felt included, but with one poor decision and the resulting screw over, well... there went that. I know. I'm responsible for my own decisions. But it always seems like whatever I do, someone else has to twist it around or make it worse. It makes me wonder if intent really is that important, because it seems like even when I have the best of intentions, things still end up blowing up in my face. I must be paying back Karma from another life or something. There's no other reason for all the crap that keeps happening to me. I know, I get myself into a lot of it by believing people, I really do put too much faith in the goodness of others, but still... why does this kind of crap keep happening to me???
- Mood: Uncertian
- Music: the fans man, the fans!
So... the decision I thought I had made earlier, I had to reconsider and then make again. I love that. There just really isn't enough scholarship money out there for an oboe playing musicologist. Sigh. Oh well... maybe next time. So back to science (she blinded me with Science!) It will at least allow me to take care of all the crap that people have left me with over the years, and hopefully also allow me to do the things I want to after all the debt is paid off. There's only so much you can do with ex's and ex-roommates unpaid bills hanging over your head. But, at least I'll be able to roll it into student loans shortly and at least make it manageable... that will deffinately make me feel better. And who knows... maybe with a Med Tech career I'll be able to afford to raise goats!! (oh, come ON... you knew it was comming!!)
- Mood:
- Music: the fans
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I think there are people who just like to mess with my head! I really do! First one then another... sigh... oh well.. maybe someday I'll get rid of all the head trips in my life. Probably not, there's just too many! That would be a very full land fill. I know... I should feed them to the goats!!
- Mood: Free at last
- Music: the Fans
So... the perverbial goat-shit finally hit the fan today. I discovered that some of my friends have been betting on wether or not I would actually leave town and my reasons for doing so. Wow. My "friends" have trivialized my life to the point of making it their personal entertainment. Wow. Makes you think. And, actually it did. I finally realized that I no longer need to define myself in terms of someone else or what someone else thinks. I am who I am. No less, but always with possibility for more. I don't need someone else to tell me I'm beautiful, because them saying it is only a reaffirmation of something I already know to be the truth. I don't need to prove to someone else that I'm smart or funnhy or good company, because I already know the truth of the matter. So I guess something good came out of this fiasco. I also found out who my true friends are. Always a good thing to know.
- Mood: Whiney
- Music: the fire alarm fans
So.... I'm having one of those days. You know, where all you want to do is call in sick and go get drunk. I really, really, really don't want to be at work. But guess where I am... WORK. Honestly, what happened to only having to work 5 days a week?? Because of all the other busy stuff and the family time and all that shit, I haven't had a day off in almost two months. Isn't that rediculous!?! I need a day off... and I should have called in, except that it's Saturday, and the other guy doesn't work weekends. So I'm stuck here. Sigh, I need more beer!
- Mood: Down and Out
- Music: Fire Alarm Fans
So... the twos have it. I finally heard back from grad school... and it looks like the financial aid just won't be there. Bye bye dreams of music. So it looks like I'll be enrolling in a local college to pick up the prerequisits that I'll need for a med-tech master's program in Philly that I'll hopefully start the following year. Sigh. And I thought that I'd be moving this year. Nothing is ever easy. So, now I have to find a new place to live in town, cause, like hell I'm staying in my current house. Sigh. It's unfortunately really hard to find a place that allows dogs, especially big, roudy, not so well trained dogs (hey, it's not my fault, I didn't have either of them from puppyhood!). Not to mention the cat and chinchillia. I think I might be able to find a two bedroom for less than my current one bedroom though, and at least that gives me the option of finding a roommate. If anyone can put up with my crazyness. Sigh. Here we go again!
- Mood: Eh... that's as close as I can get
- Music: Maragret's radio
I hate complete uncertinty. I have no clue where I'll be living in three months. I have no clue what I'll be doing in three months. I don't know if I'm accepted to grad school, and I don't know when I'll find out. Somedays I wonder if I'll ever have ahold of the strings again or not. The baloons keep flying higher and higher, and I just don't know if I can catch them anymore. It's entirely overwhelming. Somedays I don't feel like I'm drowning, I'm just standing on the bottom of the river and watching through a thick layer of water that I'll never be able to get out from under. It's a weird feeling. Looking up and seeing the sun bounce off the top of the water and knowing that you might not feel the sun on your hair again... it's a very strange feeling. Not quite drowning, but close.
- Mood: worried and pensive
- Music: the fans
Ok, so considering grad school. There are a couple of possibilities. One: I get in, get a TA position and scholarships to pay for the majority of school and don’t have to worry about making a decision. Two: I get in, but don’t get enough aid to pay for it and I have to make a really tough decision. Or Three: I don’t get in and I have to figure out what in the hell to do with myself. The most likely possibility, unfortunately, is number two. With no job prospects after graduation and an ever-shrinking job market, I just don’t think that I could justify going on without enough aid to cover the cost of the program, or at least the majority of the program. I’ll be lucky if I can pay back the remainder of my student loans as it stands, but what else would I do? I’ve tossed around being a med-tech like mom… gods, what was I thinking when I said that?? Except that I would probably enjoy the work, although I really enjoy music as well… all I have to say is that this sucks! It honestly sucks monkey balls. I've also had the thought that if dad wanted to start his alpaca enterprise this year, then I could build a cob house out by the barn and live there, take care of the alpacas, and have a part-time job to pay what little bills I'd have... it's certinly an idea!
- Mood: Pensive and Sleepy
- Music: the fire alarm fans
So, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out the next course of action. I've applied to grad school, I've auditioned, I've spoken with the musicology department, and now I'm just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Some days I wonder what in the hell I'm waiting for. I ponder if this is really what I want to do, or if I'm just following along because it's not bad and I don't know what else to do. What is it that honestly makes me happy?? Do I have a clue?? Not in particular. Some days I wonder if perhaps I've just been doing this so long that I don't know what else to do. Maybe there isn't anything else to do, or maybe, just maybe, I should open my eyes and see something that's right in front of my face. Or maybe it's just brambles. Some days I wonder if it's all just a dream or a dram of some really good drug? Or maybe it's simply the delusions of some huge mind and I'm not dreaming, but the dream. Makes you think. Some times the thinking can impare your reality, your existance. So now what? I simply keep waiting for someone else three hours away to decide my future. Not very reassuring. So what happens if not? What if the decision is no, then what to do? Should I wait to cross that bridge when I get there, or should I have a back-up plan? Or is that where the Goats come in. (you should have figured I'd work it in somewhere) What is the course of action and what is proper?? I think my poor, sinus infected head is about to explode, and not because I need to blow my nose. By the way, why is it that the most ponderous thoughts always come to mind when your head is full anyway?? Is it some sort of sick cosmic joke?? (ok, enough with the punnies) But seriously, why is it, just when you think you've figured out where to take your next step, you look down and discover that someone's taken a shit on the stone and you have to find some place else to put your foot, especially if you're not wearing shoes.
- Mood: smiley
- Music: the ac
Honestly... if things keep changing at this pace.. I'll never be able to ajust. But at least I'm smiling now rather than about to cry. That's a good thing. Purple irises... how in the heck did he know they were one of my favorites?? They make me smile every time I look at them. Ohh... news on the goat front... two of my friends bought a farm, and are going to raise what else... GOATS!!! I started rolling as soon as I heard that.... it's great!! I'll have to go spend time bothering them when I'm not at work... to see whether or not I could handle goats. It's just too perfect!!
Stopped by to say hope your weekend is going well for you 
Bravenet Blog 
Blog Community
Get a Free Blog
Manage your Blog
bravenet.com